Reflections [9.27.08]

It is nearly noon here now, and we’ve already been up for awhile. Breakfast was fried eggs, freckled and warm from the coop, covered with salt and pepper, and crispy greasy bacon to dip in the bright orange yolks.

We spent fifteen minutes in hot pursuit-meaning he ran around the barn, appearing and disappearing, while I gave chase and tried to shoot him with a bow and arrows.

I am at ease here; the fridge is full of milk, the yard of wood for the bonfire tonight, and my head with thoughts of petroglyphs and praying mantis, and the sex we had on our knees on the wooden floor of the kitchen earlier.

The majority of today I’ve seen behind the lens of my camera; shiny blue glass electric line bulbs. Yellow argiope garden spiders with abdomens the size of grapes. A feisty horse. A teething puppy. A hayloft whose drying onions were illuminated by sunlight through windows.

My mouth tastes like hot coffee and cold mint tea. Hand-rolled cigarettes and semen. Fried eggs and the beer I gargled with when I woke up this morning.

Observations in a Notebook While I Was Living on a Farm in Kansas [08-09]

The glass beads, strung up on the back porch, rattled and clicked as the wind picked up; the trees, swaying south in the breeze.

Our refrigerator sounds like a bullfrog.

His fur shined like a prism against the sunlight; every hair a rainbow of color.

Where is my cat? He should be able to smell me. These Kansas winds constantly blow, taking my scent to his little wet nose, sniffing the ground in a distant cornfield.

The cellar door is open and a fan is on and blowing somewhere below. The kitchen window is propped open by another fan and the cicada songs penetrate loudly inside the room. The counters are littered with mason jars and coffee mugs. Tomatoes fresh from the garden, and various pots and pans. The oven clock tells me it’s 12:19pm but it feels much earlier than that. We are going to keep working on opening up the cellar from the outside, and do some more digging. An activity that has thoughts of wet dark soil, and toads, and caves, and a wheelbarrow in my head.

The sky splashed over the treetops and gathered in pools at my feet.

Their teeth clicked like bone and steel.

My eyes are brown, reflecting like thermal pools in the sun. My hair, from my body catching up in years, will be white as the snow falling outside my window.

My fingers are numb; covered in cuts and scrapes, raw from working in the garden day in and day out.

The nights here are different. The stars and the prairie grasses brush cheeks. The foxtails and shooting stars dancing and flirting, swaying and twisting together. The only things existing in our world are those illuminated by our headlights, and the rest is black, and part of the sky surrounding us.

It’s harvest time here. Every field is full of giant metal machines, cutting and sorting and munching up and down the rows until the sun is nearly set. Sometimes, the fields at night are full of headlights and the roar of engines.

The streetlights in town hang like black cocoons from their metal posts.

The barn lights dot the horizon for miles, being mistaken for bright stars in constellations.

Standing on the back porch, I see the first snow of the year. The barn roof has become soft and white. The junipers dark green salted with snowflakes. It falls slow but steady, a pattern of frozen water whose patterns are never the same. My blonde hair is frozen with diamonds. The smoothness of the coated yard is broken up by four sets of dog prints, and tire tracks from the truck.

Bees have been following me all day as I wander around in the sunlight.

I collected rocks from the road as we walked. Stopping constantly to stoop and pick up the pink, yellow, white pebbles. By the time we got home, my pockets were plenty weighed down with them. I pulled them all out; the flat circular grey stones stacked like poker chips in my hand, and deposited them next to the soft small ones that looked like a pile of jelly beans on the table. Now, they all sit in a glass jar, waiting for you to come home.

Apology [4-08]

I offer my sincerest apologies to the friends and family of the victim. I cannot imagine the amount of pain and suffering you must be feeling, and I am sorry for your trouble. Apologizing is something I am not very good at, and this is no exception. Especially since her screams were so beautiful, and her young flesh so delicious. I found her begging majestic.

Forgive me; I cannot help myself.

Lotus [7-17-08]

I could feel the lips and muscles of myself

begin to flutter and then bloom.

Pushing outwards,

wet,

layer by layer,

like a flower.

Vibrant reds.

Vulnerable pinks.

My pelvis tilted upward;

my petals poised and opening to your sun of a mouth.

My seeping cum,

beginning to collect like pools of rain water beneath me.

Hating Your Absence [8-11-08]

The moon is my clock, and when it is full, it will be time to see you again.

My head has been full of confusion and the sky of spaceships.

The bugs splatter across my windshield like rain and

I wish it was my brains on the pavement.

The pain in my chest has spread; I can feel it in my thighs, arms, throat.

I hope I see you before it reaches my head,

or at least before the steel barrel of my gun does.

Razors can’t seem to be sharp enough, can’t seem to cut deep enough,

I feel like my blood is too hidden to reach.

I couldn’t feel it slicing my skin open, but then again, I can’t make it hurt like you can.

I’m sure I’ll never be able to feel anything again.

I know that even razor wire and cement walls couldn’t keep us apart,

so why do I feel so far away?

Familiar [11-1-08]

At night I hear the crickets talking to me,
their black backs
slick and reflective
against the moon.
When the sun comes up,
I leave the doors ajar so
one
by
one
they come inside to hide
under the chests and in the corners of the room;
their Morse code of clicks and chirps
a metronome for my writing hand.